Episode 1

"A Dreamer's Diary..." Episode 1

Feelings

어떻게 하죠... Yeah that was what I was thinking. Lets see how long it has been... 7 months... Close to that... Improvements? Haha... I don't really see much. How much a person who dreams about this goes through... You'll never know until you acknowledge it yourself. Something you'd die for yet so far away, shrouded in a thick foggy mist, no directions. "Just keep moving forward." You don't know how many times I've told that to myself, "You can do it!" yeah, I say that, I really can do it but even so, there's always that doubt in us... the one that is killing me...

Seriously, honestly, truthfully... What I'm going through right now... I don't really think most people will acknowledge / understand. Of course when people try to cheer me up, I'll cheer up, though deep down... I'm not really upset... just... disappointed... 왜? 왜 이렇게... 왜 난 이렇게 해... 난... 진짜...몰라도... Aish... I appreciate for those who know about me and my dreams and encourage me... I really do! Just that, sometimes... it's just so heartbreaking... what's so heartbreaking? Me. I'm such a procrastinator, I really want this, I take it seriously, very... seriously. Still, I tend to slack. WHY! DO! I! DO! THIS! I tell myself, I have to do! I have to practice more! Yes I do vocal exercises EVERY SINGLE DAY! Rests on some days. 2 days per week max. Sigh! It's really frustrating, having a dream like this, was it wrong for me to have such a dream? It's not! It's not even a choice! Is it my choice that I can choose what to fall in love with? It's not... Yet it's so annoying, I want this so badly. For those who don't even have a dream or direction in life, I don't really know should I be happy for you or sad for you. Sure, having a dream like scientist, lawyer etc etc. That's pretty much okay, you CAN achieve it. Kpop artist? Hah... Age is a big factor, I'm already 17... Kpop artists trained for how long? 7 years? 9 years? I wish I knew about this earlier... Why doesn't Malaysia have any of these entertainment companies that train you? :\

-sigh- I have so much I want to express out, I keep getting side tracked. Even when talking to other people, I get sidetracked from the main topic so easily. Aigoo...! I actually even planned to send demo CDs to YG Ent since last year Dec. Now it's June, I made a new promise to myself, I'll send one in June. Now, what to sing? how should I present myself? It's so frustrating. It's so frustrating that the feeling inside really just wants to tear you up apart until you feel like dying but NO WAY am I gonna die now, the feeling's killing me but I won't die, no matter what, till the last of my breath I won't give this up. Never... I even pray for it every single day [well sometimes I don't go for prayers =w=; maybe I skip once a week x.x] . How I wish I could just skip school... skip SPM... skip exams... go straight to Korea, go to YG Ent, audition every day, wait outside the building every day, sing outside of the building, showing my desperation... Hey, maybe they'll accept me? I don't bother about the pay, as long as I can still live on and send some money to my parents, hey, it's worth it! Well this is my dream...

Sigh! It's so painful, when I'm with others, I feel practically normal, hyper, happy. When I'm alone, everything just comes together and you just feel like "Argh..." :\. Vocal coaches...? Yeah, I've had Skype Lessons with Jesse Nemitz, tbh, it did kinda tell me my problem though he didn't really tell me how to fix it :\. Hopefully Eric will help me with this point so I can improve :)! I have all of these vocal programs, vocal research and so on. I've been trying so hard, maybe it's still early? "7 months, that's not long! I've been at this for 3 years!" Yeah... I guess some people would say that. Time is something I really don't have right now... "Hey it's good enough you can sing on pitch! I can't even sing on pitch!" Yeah I'm blessed that I can sing on pitch but is it your life's dream to be a Korean Singer where Age is a HUGE factor? -sigh- "Hey at least you can talk... I'm a mute!" Yes, I'm also blessed that my voice box works. However, I tend to want more out of it... I wouldn't go to a local vocal coach who MIGHT screw up my voice. I've done my research and even indirectly surveyed some friends who go to vocal classes. Doesn't sound at all like they'd help :\. Sure some might help develop some range and power but that's the most they can do. They can't bring your voice to its full potential. So nah... Oh and not to mention it could lead to permanent vocal damage. :\

Vocals... are a very important thing to me. I just became like this because of Yoseob's singing video in Immortal Song. Such admiration I have for people like that, I wish to be like them one day, being able to stand on stage, singing / dancing my heart, sure it might not be the songs I want to sing but still you get to do what you like best. For people who actually have the ability to sing well, I'd so rip you apart if you don't appreciate your talent and go ruin your voice box somewhere :(! You don't know how badly people out there want something like that.

Ah well, I'm kinda disappointed in myself. Well, I'm still gonna continue my vocal exercises! Hopefully I'd see improvement by the end of the year ne? ^^;! Oh and yeah dancing! Abandoned by Jay Park is my next target! Seems like a difficult piece... I'll try it out soon :-)! I've finally completed Fiction by Beast! Incompleted dances? Hmm...
SNSD - Gee [Left final chorus]
Taeyang - Where U At [I only got the chorus down Lul~]
Taeyang - Wedding Dress [Verse 2 needs some tweaking and solo part not done yet]

Yeah, I didn't really learn much dances :\ ! i'll try to though... I guess one of the biggest things that are affecting me right now is SPM. Sigh! How I have to face it while going through this. It's just :\! -sigh- Anyway, I'm done with Episode 1. I don't know when'll be the next time I blog. I didn't even blog the things I wanted to blog lol. Sidetracking ftw? OTL! Ah well ;) If you somehow manage to tumble across this blog of mine and read this well yay for you! :D

Apart from all this, I'm pretty happy I found out about Eric Arceneaux. Yeah he's studied with Brett Manning too... hopefully he gets to help me out :-)! Trying to set a vocal lesson with him. Yes I'd rather invest all my money into vocal development than games and so on :).

Side note... my mom just came in wtf >.>! Quickly changed the web, I wonder if she thought I was watching porn or something. Ugh >.>! One thing... I wonder if my parents will ever get to know how I really feel about this deep down inside. I bet till now they still think that dream of mine of singing in Korea is just a joke and still wants me to be a scientist or something that I don't want to be......